Life is funny

It's funny that I can know so many success principles, but applying them is like pulling my own adult teeth out. I had this crazy ability to freeze parts of my life when I am faced with fear. It's crippling, for sure. I can find a way out & around dealing with a fear, but somehow through is much harder. Of course until I actually do it. Usually, when I face the fear, its not all that bad. Like when your kid is afraid of the monsters under the bed. You simply convince them they aren't there and eventually they don't even think about it anymore. I think real fears are the same. Even loss eventually isn't as painful as it was when you first went through it. Certain losses, well, you never get to a place where you find joy in it. But, you find a way to be joyful through it. Now those things we would like to lose, like a few extra pounds, they are exciting to put in your past! But, I really had a big fear when I lost my niece. So much time wasted, so little exploration into her heart and soul, all when I could have. Somewhere inside me I got scared that getting closer to people made death more difficult. I knew how much I hurt from this loss, and I knew how much more I could have known her. So a part of me froze in time. I didn't want to develop those relationships I had, because I didn't want to have pain at potential loss. Now, five years later, I realize how much more I lost by closing my heart. I keep trying to be the person I think others want to see in me. Organized, productive, no drama. But, truth is, life is drama. It's how you express it, how you handle it, that makes a difference. I have been trying for over a year to find myself again. It's not easy. I am grieving the loss of it all. And, it didn't just happen with her death. I think it just sped up the process. Maybe that was good. Maybe, one of the opportunities in her death was my own resurrection. Maybe, without this painful loss, I would have kept slowing closing my heart, instead of shutting it down like a bank vault. And then, maybe I would be so old, I would not have the chance to develop those relationships to which I have been entrusted. I find it interesting that scientifically we can prove that hormones, lack of sleep, nutritional deficits, all play a role in your emotional stability. But, so often, its in those times that we are able to reach into ourselves and find answers. I think it helps me understand the bible verse, in our weakness He is made strong. In those moments where I know we can't be a leader, I know I can't represent because I am a mess and I blame it on our body reacting, I tend to find answers I didn't even know I was looking for, and I become stronger. So, though pain isn't such much fun while growing through it, some pain is worth the price. And, other pain, will help you be more kind to others. Because you know that no matter how much time goes by, that pain doesn't have a true end. Only a softening.

Today

Today is my first day in taking action. I want to be polished before I present myself. Yet, I am SO unpolished in every area of my life. If I waited to get all my ducks in a row, I would be 90 before I started anything. And that might not even be true! So, I decided to just START. For myself, to see where it will take me, if nothing more. Maybe one day I will write that children's book. Maybe one day I will speak to thousands of women. Maybe one day I will have my hands in the ministries God has placed on my heart. But, for today, I will just post a note to myself to move forward. I currently have no profound revelations, no quotes, no bible verses. Just me, raw and unprepared. And when I his PUBLISH, it will have to be OK. I found a little bit more of myself today as I met with some ladies, seeking to find a little more of themselves as well. Even though I saw all my weaknesses and didn't want to expose them to large groups of people, I went and found I am not so scarred as my mind can lead me to believe. I got home and was asked to pray for someone. I found an old post on FB that prompted me to share my heart. Today I changed a little. Today I have moved forward in my desire to be a richer, fuller individual. I am happy for today.